Grief Survival Guide

Reno Grief Survival Guide Resources

If you are currently experiencing – or you know you will be experiencing – a miscarriage, fatal diagnosis, terminal illness, NICU, or stillbirth, please get in touch with me. I can help so much more IN the moment and – yes – I can help even if you don’t live near me.

Whether it’s taken 19 years to process your loss (like it did for me), or it’s fresh in your mind, this guide has information to give to friends and family, suggestions for having a memorial, scriptures related to loss, and information on how our bodies process loss. This is designed for you to – FIRST – experience the birth and – THEN – process your loss.

This is a companion to the Bereavement Resources page. The resources are to help you with long-term support, groups, books, therapy options, etc… The survival guide is more self-help and understanding what you’re going through is normal. Take what works for you, and leave the rest behind.

With pregnancy loss, one of the unfortunate aspects is that you are presented with a traumatic, emotional situation and you have very little time to act.

If gestation is 20 weeks or more, you have the option of cremation – often for no charge. You will also receive a birth certificate, death certificate, hand, and footprints, you name your baby, and the birth is treated normally for your healing, drying up breastmilk, etc… Saying it’s a horrifying experience doesn’t do it justice, however, the positive part of this situation is that there are a lot of options which can help you in your healing journey.

If gestation is under 20 weeks, the physical and emotional aspects of birth are similar, however, you don’t receive a birth certificate or death certificate, you’re not encouraged to name your baby, and cremation options aren’t as readily available, and this is a tragic missing piece of your journey. Women are treated as if it’s not a big deal – walk it off – and I’m here to let you know 

I SEE YOU

You are able to cremate your baby. It’s a different process from 6 weeks until about 16 weeks. If you’re at 14+ weeks gestation, you can also cremate through a funeral home. In Reno, I use one of Walton’s Mortuaries. Blake is an amazing man there and you can literally show up with the remains and ask him to help.

If you are in the 6-14/16 weeks of pregnancy, you can cremate the remains in a different way. Contact Emily at Unbridled Birth and ship the remains to her for this process. She uses a sliding scale for this amazing process. 

In both situations, place your baby’s remains in a container in saline solution (the same as contact solution). If you are in the hospital, you can ask for the remains to be placed in a container with saline (even if you have a D&C). At home, you can do this yourself. 

If the gestation is under 14/16 weeks, you have 3 days to mail this overnight with a perishable sticker, OR you can freeze the remains and send them later. If you are able to bring the remains to the funeral home, the time is the same – the sooner the better. 

For babies born up to 20 weeks (because the fetal tissue is considered medical waste), you can also bury your baby’s remains in a potted plant or outside. Just remember that if you move and the burial is outside, it’s more challenging to bring the remains with you. I suggest using an indoor plant for this reason. 

I encourage the Mamas I work with to name their baby and treat their body with kindness, and emotionally I have resources to help you process your grief and loss. 

I also encourage attending specific therapy for your trauma. As a Mom who has lost 3 pregnancies and 4 babies – I can tell you with personal assurance that this doesn’t go away on its own and YOU are worth processing through this.

I’m sorry people aren’t talking about this more. Please reach out to me.

Grief After Loss

There are a lot of ways you can honor your baby from poems to songs to scripture and more. It is my opinion that it’s almost impossible to grieve a loss if you haven’t experienced a birth. These are ways you can experience and honor the birth of your baby, and then move on to process the grief. 

You will notice many links go to the website stillbirthday.com. This is where I received my initial bereavement doula training, and is an outstanding resource.

Things you can do if time has passed since your miscarriage:

The Welcoming

This is how you celebrate the birth of your baby – regardless of how much time has passed.

  • Get your medical records. Medical records are not warm and fuzzy and medical lingo doesn’t take your feelings into consideration. Still, knowing what happened, looking up medical terminology, etc.. can be helpful in piecing together the puzzle, especially if surgery was involved.

  • If you had surgery, you can call pathology to find out what the hospital does with the remains. This often doesn’t give you comfort as anything under 20 weeks gestation is considered “medical waste”, however, each hospital has a policy that they keep slides of the tissue, etc… so it’s worth the phone call

  • Call radiology if you had any ultrasounds to determine if you can obtain the photos. These are sometimes in medical records, but not always

  • Celebrate the BIRTH day. Naming your baby, having a homemade birth certificate, etc.. can help you process the loss as it honors the birth. Yes, the birthday is the same as the death day, however, thinking of the two as separate events goes a long way in honoring your baby. Celebrate your baby’s birth in a way that means the most to you (lots of ideas below)

The Farewell

Once you have fully honored and experienced the birth of your baby, it’s now time to allow yourself to mourn. You may feel as though you’ve been drowning in grief, maybe for years, but NOW that you’ve experienced and felt the birth, you are able to complete the grief process.

  • If you don’t have remains, you can purchase a teddy bear or other keepsake to represent the baby (below are websites that began from loss). Also, if you want to have a cremation ring or pendant, you can purchase an item of clothing, or use something you would have taken the baby home in, burn it and use that in place of remains. Get creative in how you can honor and process the death of your baby

  • Write your story! There are a lot of places to submit the story to (below), OR you can keep it for yourself 

  • Some hospitals have memorial services once a year – call and ask

  • Whether it’s through embracing the holidays below, or your own combination of processing, this is where you allow yourself to lean into your grief and work through it.

Microchimerism, discovered in 1893 by German pathologist Georg Schmorl, means specifically to us bereaved mothers, that our very cells hold DNA from our beloved babies.

So in perhaps psychological and spiritual terms, many of us believe our babies will always be part of us, but, it is true in physical terms, as well.

Holidays to honor your experience:

Websites to purchase memorabilia: (there are a lot on Etsy also)

https://www.thebirthcove.com/

https://livyjules.wordpress.com/

https://averyslegacy.com/?v=707f3a40153b

https://www.labelledame.com/miscarriagejewelry/tinyfootprintsjewelry

Submit your story:

https://babyloss.ca/stories/

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/your-stories/

https://wildflowersandmilk.com/pages/angel-baby-program

Poems:

Eulogies/Sermons:

  • 1 Samuel, chapters 1 and 2 (1 Samuel 1:11, 1 Samuel 1:16)

  • John 12:1-8 (on the subject of an “elaborate” burial – attention to preparation for burial, funeral, mourning)

  • Matthew 27 (God expressed His grief and mourning in elaborate ways – relates to us in our grief and mourning)

Music:

Our Babies Matter. They Are a Part of Us. They Change Us.

How Can Others Help? (Let people know what you need)

What can you do?

  • Listen. If I need to talk about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through, please sit in that space and listen to me. You don’t need to offer advice or platitudes to make this better, because really, nothing can. Just be with me so I can talk it out.

  • Allow me to grieve. Everyone processes grief in their own way. Let me do that in whatever way feels right for me, even if it’s uncomfortable for you. I may be sad or angry, or I might not even seem to be grieving at all. And that’s perfectly okay because it’s right for me.

  • Claim a task. I don’t have a lot of mental bandwidth right now. Instead of asking what you can do, pick something and handle it. You could clean, make a meal, do laundry, or run errands while I physically and emotionally recover. By taking care of the small things, you’re allowing me to focus on the one big thing that’s suddenly overtaken my life.

  • Share your experience. If you’ve had a loss of your own, it might help to know I’m not alone. I may or may not be open to this, so please check first. I may ask you to offer again another time if I’m not ready yet.

  • Cut me some slack. My recovery won’t necessarily be a nice straight line. Some days will be harder than others, even long after other people think I should have moved on. I may miss family functions or events if I’m having a tough day. I may not be able to come, but please invite me anyway.

  • Remember. Use my baby’s name, note important dates, and check in on holidays. Ask me what my child may have liked for Christmas, or what their Halloween costume would be. It’s nice to know I’m not forgotten.

All of these ideas are great to do right after the loss, but continuing these practices over time can be just as meaningful for you as they are at the start. Every family is different, so if you don’t respond well to the support offered, try something different later. “Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying anything.” “Follow our cues, the words we use or don’t use.”

What can you say?

There are no words that will bring back a baby who died, and you understandably don’t want to make their parents feel worse. If you aren’t sure what to say, here are some possible ideas.

Here’s some advice from real parents who have gone through pregnancy and infant loss.

  • “I’m so sorry this is happening.”

  • “I’m here to listen if you want to talk. And if not, that’s okay, too.”

  • “Did you pick out a name? I would love to hear it if you want to share.”

  • “How are you feeling? Can I help with [specific thing]?”

  • “I can see that you’re hurting. Would you like to tell me about it?”

  • “What are some things that remind you of [baby’s name]?”

These common phrases below can make bereaved parents feel guilty or bring up other complicated emotions. Please don’t use them.

  • “It just wasn’t meant to be.”

  • “This is all part of a greater plan.”

  • “Did you do something wrong?”

  • “At least you can get pregnant.”

  • “You can always try again.”

  • “The baby wouldn’t have lived long anyway.”

  • “At least you have another child at home already.”

  • “I know/understand how you feel; I lost someone, too.”

What can you give?

Gifts don’t replace a lost baby or erase grief. However, it can sometimes ease a grieving person’s pain to have a tangible reminder that their baby is missed by others too and that they aren’t forgotten.

If you’re looking for ideas, here are a few suggestions that might be helpful.

  • Meals. I might not have the desire or motivation to make a meal. A hot and ready meal, or a credit to a takeout delivery service, removes that stress. Offering to leave the meal on the front step to be picked up after you’ve left can be really helpful. Sometimes coming to the door and seeing you can feel overwhelming.

  • Cleaning Service. A gift certificate to a cleaning company can be very helpful in taking care of basic household cleaning. Grief can be exhausting, and sometimes I don’t have any energy to clean. The mental weight of a dirty home can build up over time and make the burden seem even more difficult to deal with.

  • Date Night. Time to heal as a couple is so important right now. You could provide a restaurant gift card or babysit our older child(ren) if we have any, so we can have time for just the two of us.

  • Flowers. It’s instinctive to send a fresh flower arrangement to someone who is grieving, but flowers die. It can be a painful reminder of the loss to see beautiful flowers wither in a week. Other ways to give flowers are to give preserved flowers, flower seeds for planting (like forget-me-nots), or an indoor plant that requires little maintenance.

  • Care Package. A nice basket of comforting things can be thoughtful. It could include tea, candy, chocolate, a bath bomb, a candle, lotion, a journal, pens, a picture frame, a microwaveable warm pack, soft socks, etc. Remember to include my partner in this, if I have one.

  • Tokens. If you know that we chose a particular theme for our baby, find small ways to honor that. Did we make a rainbow nursery? Find a little rainbow fridge magnet. Did we call our child “baby bear”? Find Mama Bear and Papa Bear mugs. Did I crave M&M cookies during pregnancy? Make it a tradition to bring over M&M cookies on the baby’s birthday.

Relevant Quote To Use To Honor Your Baby

~in memory of ~

The soul remembers what I can no longer hold

“I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”

— Williiam Butlet Yeats

Bible Verses About Loss (NKJV)

2 Corinthians 1:3- 4 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Romans 15:4 For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.

Psalm 23:4 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me

Psalm 86:15  but You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, Longsuffering, and abundant in mercy and truth.

Psalm 94:19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.

Psalm 18:30 As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

Proverbs 30:5 Every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.

Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 46:1 …God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.

Psalm 145:18 The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.

Psalm 18:28 For You will light my lamp; The Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.

Philippians 4:6- 7 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

Proverbs 3:5- 6 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

Romans 5:1- 5 1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Isaiah 55:8- 9  8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.

Psalm 62:7- 8  7 In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. 8 Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Isaiah 26:3- 4 3 You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. 4 Trust in the Lord forever, For in Yah, the Lord, is everlasting strength.

Jeremiah 17:7- 8 7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is the Lord. 8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Job 1:21 And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Psalm 145:17 The Lord is righteous in all His ways, Gracious in all His works.

1 Peter 5:7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

Psalm 32:10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked; But he who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him.

Hebrews 13:5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Isaiah 46:10 Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things that are not yet done, Saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, And I will do all My pleasure,’

Job 42:2 “I know that You can do everything and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: 2 A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;

John 16:21 A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

HEALING begins with SANCTIFICATION of the HEART – ‘No Disease is Incurable’ – by Dr. MK Strydom – (Excerpts)

THIS IS A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE ON DISEASE – if you are not a Christian, you can skip this and move to the next section on subsequent pregnancies

What I love about this book is first – it’s not only free, it’s free to share. You can search the title online and download the 608-page pdf for your own reference. Second, it’s a large, comprehensive guide of science and medicine and how your body manifests physically what you have experienced emotionally. I love the science and I love relating that science to God.

I’m not addressing infertility, stress, anxiety, depression, sexual issues such as sexual abuse, impotency, autoimmune diseases, or any gynecological issues such as cysts – any of which can be contributing issues to miscarriages. Those – among many other topics – can be found in this book and most definitely should be looked into if they are part of your miscarriage story. 

Healing from a miscarriage can be a rabbit hole of tangents because so much of what you think and feel contributes to what’s happening in your body. You’ll see the connections as you dive into self-discovery and my prayer for you is that this is enlightening beyond losing your baby. 

“This book is intended for your general knowledge only to give valuable insight into disease from both a medical and Biblical perspective. It is not a substitute for consultation and proper care by a medical doctor and should not be used as a tool to make a diagnosis. You must seek prompt medical attention for any health problems. I do not seek to be in conflict with any medical or psychiatric practices, pharmaceutical companies, or church. My intention is to help them be more effective.

I am a medical doctor and because I am seeing much of what medical science has to say about disease today ties in with what the Bible said thousands of years ago… …I am going to show you how your thoughts and the things that you meditate on long-term cause biological manifestation in the form of disease in your body.”  Dr. MK Strydom 

The latest cutting-edge medical research has made a startling discovery: 

87% OF ALL DISEASES ARE A RESULT OF WHAT GOES ON IN OUR THOUGHT LIFE!

*I am using the more conservative statistic given by Dr. Caroline Leaf which is 87%, however in future publications, you are going to see this figure come up to 95% which is a more recent statistic.

When some people say, “It’s all in your head” they may be meaning it as something negative or derogatory, but actually, it couldn’t be more accurate! What has now been shown in research on the brain is that everything that goes on in your thought life is converted into a physical reaction. A massive body of research has now shown that the mind-body connection is real – what we think affects us emotionally, intellectually, and physically. For every thought that you meditate on, there is a physical reaction in your body.

Memory is the information stored on the branches of the nerves. As you continue to meditate on a particular thought, more branches grow, the connections between those branches and the nerve gets stronger and the memory becomes permanent. Thus the more you meditate on a thought, the more you reinforce it. The more branches you have on a particular nerve, the stronger or more intelligent that memory is.

Your brain has an incredible capacity to change, rewire, grow and heal! You can literally remodel the memories in your brain by changing your thinking.

Miscarriage

A miscarriage is often a very messy and painful experience from both a physical and emotional standpoint. The devil is often right there hammering the woman over the head with guilt, condemnation, shame and an overwhelming sense of failure. After reading through this section you may realize that you didn’t do things the way they were supposed to have been done but you need to release yourself from that in Jesus’ Name. You need to release yourself from any guilt and shame surrounding previous miscarriages because when Jesus died on the cross He took your guilt and shame. Romans 8 v 1 says that there is now no condemnation for those in Christ, who live according to the spirit and not according to the flesh. I ask you to please forgive yourself if you are holding yourself guilty for any reason. If you had a bad experience with doctors where there were wrong decisions, negligence or malpractice involved, it is very important for your sake that you forgive them. You may even have to forgive God because you feel that He is to blame for what happened or that He let you down.

If you lost a child through a miscarriage, I do believe that the devil robbed you, but that doesn’t mean that God is not able to heal and restore you in a way that He wants to. If you still have deep, festering wounds in the depths of your soul concerning a previous miscarriage, I recommend that you deal with it through ministry. You need a pastor or somebody who is walking close with God to pray over you. You may need deliverance from the spirit of death, the spirit of guilt, an accusing spirit and/or ungodly grief. You need to break the power of it in the Name of Jesus so that is no longer affects your mind and body. There is a grief that is a God ordained way of dealing with loss but there is also an ungodly grief that is like the superglue of hell that binds you to the past and prevents you from moving forward into the future and taking hold of all God has for you.

In the first trimester (i.e. the first 12 to 14 weeks of pregnancy) the most common cause for a miscarriage is chromosome abnormalities and genetic defects. Not all male sperm and female eggs are pure because of the flow of iniquities in the family tree that cause genetic defects. When there is an abnormality in the genetics that prevents the fetus from being able to develop further, the pregnancy becomes non-viable.

When the body realizes that a pregnancy is no longer viable, it expels the fetus in the form of a miscarriage. A miscarriage is God’s way of protecting the woman. If that fetus which is no longer viable dies in the womb and stays there, it will rot, become toxic, poison her body and eventually kill the woman. God is bigger than sin and thankfully He designed the body to expel a non viable fetus that should no longer be there. That is of God. However the cause behind the miscarriage is not of God – that is of the devil.

When it comes to miscarriages that occur in the second trimester (i.e. 14 to 28 weeks of pregnancy), latest medical research has found that there is autoimmune activity in the mother that causes the cells of the immune system to attack and damage the umbilical cord.

Understandably women who have had miscarriages may be struggling with a sense of inadequacy in themselves and in their identity. It is vital for you to build a healthy self-esteem.

How Long-Term Fear, Anxiety, and Stress Affect Your Body

The devil knows that if he can control your thought life, he can control your body chemistry and cause disease. One of the tools he uses is fear, anxiety, and stress. Understanding the enemy will help you overcome him. Understanding how fear, anxiety and stress works in your brain, and its subsequent reaction in your body will help you to control it. Fear, anxiety and stress is a toxic stronghold or thorn tree in your mind which disrupts the way in which you function spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically.

Stress is a modern term – the Greek and the Hebrew in English would identify it as fear or another word is anxiety. We can also use the word worry. According to Hosea 4 v 6, God’s children are perishing for lack of knowledge. Fear, anxiety and stress are destroying your body behind the scenes and initially you don’t even realize that it is happening and that is scary. Many people’s minds and thought life are plagued by fear: fear of tomorrow, fear of finances, fear of disease, fear of death, fear of security, fear of man, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of trains, fear of planes…the list is endless. Anything that takes away our freedom produces fear. Anytime we are humiliated, oppressed, victimized, verbally abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, sexually abused or even oppressive legalistic church abuse that crushes people’s spirits, are all tragic situations that have the potential to produce fear.

Fear and faith are opposing spiritual forces. Both project into the future and both demand to be fulfilled but they cannot co–exist.

As Faith Decreases, Fear Will Increase

When thinking starts stinking and becoming toxic faith level drops fear levels increase fear dominates and you feel stressed!

Definition of stress: Stress is the mind and body’s response to any pressure that disrupts a normal peaceful state. It is your brain converting the thought into a physical reality via the electrical impulses in your nerves and specific biochemicals. Stress is a global term for the extreme strain on your body and its organ systems as a result of toxic thinking.

Fear is the root of stress: our body moves into a toxic state when our thoughts become toxic as a result of fear. Fear is a spiritual force that triggers more than 1400 known harmful physical and chemical responses in your body, and activates more than 30 different hormones and neurotransmitters 15! This has an incredible detrimental effect on your body. If you have suffered from depression it might be due to the root of rejection in your life. To be rejected means to throw away as having no value or worth or being unwanted. We were designed for acceptance, not rejection. The emotional pain from rejection is one of the deepest kinds of pain known, especially when it comes from a person we love or expect to love us.

Laugh, Sing and Make Music!

There is another secret in the Word to overcoming depression which is also medically proven to be correct

– laugh and sing, and make music!

Isaiah 61 v 3: “Put on the garment of praise instead of a heavy, burdened and failing spirit…” Playing or listening to music, laughing and singing may be the last thing that you feel like doing, but it causes the release of chemicals called endorphins and encephalins that are natural anti-depressants. It also releases serotonin and dopamine which naturally balances the deficiency of serotonin that causes clinical depression in the first place. Playing music, laughing and singing have been proven to de-stress your brain and body, and it protects you from getting sick by strengthening your immune system.

Subsequent Birth Planning – Excerpts from stillbirthday.com

Getting pregnant again after you’ve endured pregnancy & infant loss is often referred to as a “rainbow pregnancy”.  A “rainbow birth” might also be one in which a surviving multiple is born.

It’s important you have support for a loss through:

  • Birth

  • The Welcoming (honoring your baby)

  • The Farewell (saying goodbye, memorial, naming, etc..)

  • Healing Journey

While on your healing journey, you may become pregnant again.  And this “subsequent/rainbow” pregnancy does not forfeit your grief.  

Pregnant Again

It is extremely important to be aware that a subsequent pregnancy can likely bring with it heightened fears and anxieties.  Having a Sacred Circle or “blessingway” can be a treasured way to celebrate this pregnancy.

If you are not yet pregnant with your subsequent pregnancy after loss, you might fill this time with love and rich healing.  We have resources in our fertility challenges section on such subjects as conscious conception and pre-conception planning and bonding.

Many mothers consider subsequent pregnancy after loss to be a “rainbow” pregnancy, or they wait until this live baby is born and then refer to him or her as a “rainbow” baby.  We talk about ways of incorporating special keepsakes and meanings into your Rainbow Birth Plan here at stillbirthday (see the end of this article for the link).  Having a Boudoir Maternity photo session that includes rainbows, a memorial tattoo or other keepsakes can be a way of facing challenges of discovering our inherent beauty and joy in a subsequent pregnancy.

Some things to consider in subsequent pregnancy:

  • While there seems to be variability in professional opinion on the best time to try to conceive again following a pregnancy loss, many professionals recommend allowing one subsequent menstrual cycle to pass, to help ensure the uterus is clear of any fragments, possibly from the placenta.

  • Researching the best prenatal vitamins for you is an empowering and healing choice.  Our facts/stats is a delicate page but may have helpful information for you.

  • Parents need to be empowered to make pregnancy decisions on their own timelines.  They already feel like they have lost so much power over what has happened to them.

  • Mothers who conceive quickly may have a tendency to believe (and/or have loved ones who believe) that the new baby will help to repair a lot of the expectations lost with the previous baby’s death.  Moms who are due around the time of their previous baby’s anniversary (stillbirthday) are at particular risk of experiencing such feelings (1995 Child Bereavement Trust, UK).

  • Other studies suggest that getting pregnant right away may allow the strongest of grief feelings to dissipate sooner.

  • Guarded emotions, heightened anxiety, a tendency to mark off time by waiting for particular pregnancy milestones to come and go, and a need to seek out or avoid particular behaviors are common ways of coping with pregnancy after a loss (Syracuse University, 1999).  This is true whether or not the mother has sought out, learned, and has attempted to or is working through medical reasons for her losses.

  • Pregnant, bereaved moms can feel more suspicious to trust their instincts, overly compensating with anxiety and fear.  Calming techniques can be valuable in pregnancy, including breathing techniques, light music, pregnancy-appropriate massage, and quiet reflection.  As counter-intuitive as it might sound, integrating the baby not alive into your family story in some ways – perhaps one family photo with a teddy bear or other symbol of your baby, can be a healing, validating experience.

  • Support groups can be very helpful in providing support to women going through pregnancy after a loss.  They can help them to recognize that the others are going through the same experience, remember the babies who have died, learn new coping skills, and begin to relate to their living babies.  Please see our article on various websites, including online groups.

  • Bereaved parents who subsequently give birth to living children need to consider the place of the stillborn or miscarried child in the family and the relationship of the children who were born before the stillborn/miscarried child to those who arrive afterward.

  • Loved ones may respond differently to the subsequent pregnancy than the mother.  While the mother may be anxious and fearful, loved ones may pressure her to move on, forget her deceased child, and only celebrate her current pregnancy.  Alternately, the mother may be feeling joyful at a subsequent pregnancy, only for loved ones to feel weary and blame the mother for getting pregnant again.

  • Fear can present itself in many ways in subsequent pregnancy: fear of losing another child, fear of announcing the pregnancy, fear of betrayal toward the deceased child, fear of celebrating pregnancy, and fear of the experiences of childbirth.  Fear of the experiences of childbirth can include: remembering the last time her body gave birth, fear of contractions, fetal heart monitoring, crowning, and the moments immediately after birth.

  • The challenges of balancing bereavement with joy often don’t end with the birth of a live subsequent pregnancy, but just as in NICU grief, mothers of subsequent living children can face many experiences and seasons that remind them all over again of what all was lost at the death of their child: the same is true for fathers.  Our Rainbow Birth Plan also includes information about our Rainbow Milk campaign.

Aspects of the above information are borrowed from the work of Ann Douglas, Author, Speaker of the Canadian Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths Conference from the Still Unanswered, Always Remembered slideshow.

Other helpful ideas from StillBirthDay.com:

  • Read other stories from stillbirthday, including subsequent pregnancies AND subsequent “rainbow” BIRTH stories!

  • You might also decide to include your baby who died in your subsequent pregnancy announcement.  Here is one idea of how to do this.  You might include the names of all of your family, a special keepsake, or a rainbow somehow.

  • Read our article “Your Subsequent Pregnancy” which has an invitation for you to share your experiences here at stillbirthday

  • Some mothers feel reservations about sharing the news of their subsequent pregnancy for fear that either she or others will be waiting for “bad news” to follow.  Consider if it is more important to prevent having to retract the good news, or if it is more important to have support around you to reinforce the joy and encouragement of the pregnancy and to have “just in case” for emotional support if you do experience another loss.  This is a personal decision that needs to be discussed with your husband.

  • Consider purchasing an iBirth app, Positive Pregnancy app, Sprout app, or other similar devices to give you updates on your pregnancy and other helpful features like an app-to-keepsake book.

  • Consider using a fetal heart monitor at home.

  • Visit Count the Kicks

  • Consider using a fetal kick count chart.

  • Discuss your fears with your provider (midwife or OB).

  • Because of health concerns related to Dopplers and ultrasounds, consider asking your provider about MaterniT 21 testing as a possible alternative.

  • If you are considering purchasing or renting an at-home Doppler, there are organizations that can help you.  Please, consider discussing the use of one with your provider, including any possible risks of harm or health to your baby, by misusing or overusing the product.

  • our threatened miscarriage has some tips that may be helpful

  • facts/stats on pregnancy loss can be assuring

  • there are some natural fertility items such as stones, charms, and books in our keepsake list.

  • MotherPrayer is a spiritually diverse and supportive book.

  • Many mothers feel more comfortable in their subsequent pregnancies after they’ve reached two milestones: reaching the second trimester and reaching the same gestational age at which they previously experienced a loss.  Finding comfort and joy even during this “waiting” is important.

  • For mothers who have previously experienced miscarriage, the above may be true in the first trimester.  However, mothers who experienced later loss may find that it is toward the end of the subsequent pregnancy that fears mount.

  • The hormones of pregnancy can serve to magnify hidden feelings.  Pregnancy can also serve to magnify feelings of grief.  If you feel that you are experiencing heightened loneliness, anger, or dread, consult your provider along with your doula, and consider utilizing our long-term support resources or joining our mentorship program.

  • Some mothers prefer to plan a more medicalized birth for subsequent pregnancies, in an effort to prevent a loss.  Please discuss these plans and your reasons for them with your provider.

  • Some mothers experience emotional dystocia during the labors of their subsequent children – an otherwise unexplainable delay during the birthing process, which may be contributed to fears or memories of delivering a miscarried or stillborn baby.

  • Even the hard feelings can be valuable to you if you are wrapped in support and love.  Go slow, and remind your heart that the hard feelings are a normal reaction to impossible devastation.  You are a beautiful mother.

  • Consider using the Farewell Celebrations suggestions at any time after your loss a